Top 5 Questions About Melania Trump — Answered

I’ve been Inside Melania and will tell you all about it.



Melania Trump is a private person by nature and mysterious by Donald’s design. When she stays mute it’s much easier to manipulate her public persona to suite his needs.

I’ve spent the last three years slipping into the skin of Melania Trump, performing an impression of her on the standup comedy stage and in online comedy videos. Because of my presence in character as the first lady, a lot of people come to me with their Melania questions. Finally, I wrote a book called Inside Melania: What I Know About Melania Trump by Impersonating Her to share my insights with the general public and to find laughter in the warped mind I encounter every time I put on that damned wig.

Here’s a quick look at my take at the most frequently asked questions about the first lady:

1. Was she a hooker?

We’ll never know. There are holes in her history and there are no public photos to backup the alternative one that she created with Donald’s help.

What’s fun about the situation is that she’s so touchy about it. Most people won’t care if she was an escort, but if you suggest it with any degrees of certainty she’ll send her bloodhound lawyers after you and make you pay the legal bill afterwards.

When someone denies something it’s an invitation for people to make fun of it. Her reticence in addressing the issue gives me so much fodder and for that I say, thank you, Mel!

2. Does Melania hate Ivanka?

There are reports that there is friction between the two, which is a result of Ivanka’s why-are-you-and-Jared-here-when-you-have-no-previous-experience status in the White House. Plus, the media loves to pit two women against each other. Especially two that people who Donald thinks are smoking hot.

Ivanka doesn’t have any interest in activities related to the first lady. She doesn’t want to mess with Christmas decorations. Instead, she’d rather invest her time in building Louis Vuitton factories in Texas.

Here’s what my impression of Melania says about the matter:

“At first media say Ivanka does the infringe on the First Lady job which made me hopeful—less for me to do. Then Donald do a meeting between us three and we agree that my staff will do my First Lady job for me and Ivanka will go into training to be next president after Don Jr. and Mitch McConnell.”

3. Does Melania have sex with Donald?

He has many, many cameras pointed at him at all times, so his access to porn stars is limited and, even with her impressive facelift, Kellyanne Conway doesn’t qualify. So Melania presents the only available warm enclave he can stick his dong into for relief. That and the pillows of the Blue Room.

So, yes, I think they have sex. I like to joke about the “sex appointments” required in the version of her pre-nup that I imagine she has.

4. Will she divorce Donald when he leaves the White House?

No. No. No. No.

This is a fantasy that many liberal people, especially women, like to have. Wouldn’t it be great if Melania was a subversive force, lurking in the White House, whispering sweet social justice nothings into Donald’s orange ear? Of course that would be lovely! But that is very, very far from the truth.

Melania is Donald’s willing warrior, always has been and will be, until her breast implants and her veneers are the only thing left of her. She has publicly stated that Donald is a genius, specifically telling Joy Behar that, “He one of the best, the most …. geniuses mind out there.”

Also, she does the math of her prenup and all postnups: Walking away means she will not live the lavish life she currently enjoys. Before 2016, Donald bragged that his marriage was perfect because they only saw each other a few times a month. Let’s assume that they go back to that routine after he leaves the White House. A few days a month is not a bad work schedule for Mel Mel!

5. What did Melania negotiate in her prenup in 2017?

For those not paying attention to Melania news, which is most everyone: In the book The Art of Her Deal, Mary Jordan claimed that Melania delayed her move to the White House so that she would have more leverage in renegotiating her prenup.

What she might have negotiated is actually called a postnup, a contractual term you’ll come to know if you study #golddiggerlife.

Did Melania use this tactical maneuver to get more assets in a postnup? Who knows. The book claims that she wanted to ensure that Barron was treated the same as the first three Trump siblings, which seems logical, given how Tiffany is treated like an exchange student who stayed an extra semester.

Knowing Melania’s ability as a shred calculator, this rumor feels right to me. It’s in sync with what I came to “know” about Melania through “actor hunches,” which is what we come to know about a person by inhabiting them. Melly Mel displays this manipulative quality in everything she does, from how she dresses to how she walks. More detail — even diagrams — in my book Inside Melania.